ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
