Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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