I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
