Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
there is glitter all over my balls
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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