I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
