One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
