My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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