the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
