I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
