Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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