Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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