I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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