So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
