he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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