I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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