I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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