i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
