I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
