I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
