So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
