Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
