i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
