I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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