Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize