Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
