Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
