Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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