this beer tastes like vomit already
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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