aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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