it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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