Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
