He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
