Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
