if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
