I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
