I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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