i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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