I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
