Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
