The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
