It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
