Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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