good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
