Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
