It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
babies were throwing up all over the place
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
