one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
