I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I could fuck to npr.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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