Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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