i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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