hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
