i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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