brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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