Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
