if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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