He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
