yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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