fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
