Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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