she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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